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THE BEAN

Valerie Nelson

May 2008

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MOTHER'S DAY...

May 11, 2008 08:15pm (EST)

First, I want to thank the moms who have responded to my entries. It truly does warm my heart to know that support is available whenever I need it, even though I have never met any of you...This is an unusual bond that we share, unfortunately, but certainly a very unique and strong one. I really appreciate the kind thoughts and encouragement!!

Today was bittersweet, of course, as I'm sure it is for many moms of angels. It was great to have Zachary at home, and to be able to look down at my belly and see the baby's acrobatics change the shape of my stomach. But, as every other day, Caitlyn was missing. Hart and I took Zachary to visit her grave today. He is certainly too young to understand why he is there, but he blew kisses to her, which was really sweet to see. My Mother's Day card was especially meaningful. Hart "signed" it with personalized messages from Zachary, the new baby, Caitlyn and the twins. Of course, the tears came flowing, but it means so much that Caitlyn and the twins are remembered even though we have other things to be happy about.

It is hard to celebrate a day like today, being a mother, when you know that one of your children is not physically with you...and for me, that missing child is the one who made me a mom in the first place. But, I suppose that is even a greater reason to celebrate today...It is because of Caitlyn that I know what motherhood means, and I *hope* that the love I learned from her has made me a better mom to Zachary and this new baby.

So, happy Mother's Day to everyone, whether your children are in your arms or remain in your hearts forever!

To my precious daughter, Caitlyn Greenleigh Nelson...Now sleep chlid of mine, while the stars shine above. I love you as much as a Mommy could love. Thank you for everything you have taught me; Thank you for coming into my life; Thank you for being my daughter. I love you, Bean.

0508_BDay Party3

0408_1st Birthday 023

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (4) | Permalink

STILL COUNTING...

May 07, 2008 01:11pm (EST)

This baby is still growing strong, and he/she is scheduled to arrive in barely a week. I can't believe it, still, even though I keep saying that. I am eager to meet the little one, Caitlyn's little brother or sister, but I don't want the pregnancy to end. I'm a bit nervous about what to expect from a full-term baby, and I think that he/she will seem so large compared to Caitlyn (which he/she WILL be). The feelings of guilt are still there, as friends and family are eager to meet this little one...But, I want them all to remember Caitlyn, too. But, I have to keep reminding myself that this little one will know his/her big sister. She is still a part of our family, and always will be.

I finally took Zachary, our adopted son, to visit Caitlyn's grave. I have been reluctant to take him, partly because I feel selfish with my time with her, I suppose. But, it was "nice" (for lack of a better word) to introduce Z to his big sister. Hart says that he still remembers visiting his sisters' graves when he was younger, and I hope that Zachary has that opportunity every time we visit Missouri. I want him and this new baby to know how special of a baby she was and how much she changed my life...If it were not for her, neither of them would be the same, either.

Mother's Day is here, once again, and at least we have some laughter and hope in the house this year. I am thankful for that, but it is still so bittersweet. I assume it will always be like this??

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (4) | Permalink

YET AGAIN...

Apr 06, 2008 07:24pm (EST)

I have let so much time pass, once more. I really need to simply let go of the expectation of all the "I should's..." because that only adds more stress and subsequent disappointment when I don't!

So much has happened in the last few months, that the time seems like such a blur. The pregnancy is actually going well, so far. At 33 weeks, I STILL cannot believe it. I have said that since 24 weeks, when my water broke with Caitlyn. But, I do suppose that it is time to accept that it looks promising that we will actually bring this baby home from the hospital...even as I write it, I see that I still phrase it as "looks promising"...It is so hard to put myself "out there" again and dare I say it, hope, that this pregnancy will end well. I have avoided all preparations for this baby until just last week, and even then, I only ordered a car seat. Part of that stems from being so busy with Zachary; but, I readily admit that most of it is because I'm afraid to get my hopes up. I actually feel that I have handled the stress of this pregnancy much better than I expected that I would...But, I do think that being so busy taking care of Zachary has had everything to do with that. Otherwise, I probably would have been engulfed in pessimism.

Now, the feelings of guilt - for being able to carry this baby so long, when I failed Caitlyn - and moving on - that people will see this new baby and forget Caitlyn - are hitting hard. I wonder if I will feel that same intense rush of love when this baby is born as when I met Caitlyn; and that also brings guilty feelings, both if I do or if I don't. I suppose that I won't be able to resolve these questions until the little one arrives.

I don't want this time to end; being pregnant is simply amazing, and I have truly enjoyed every single minute. It really is a miracle of nature, how so many conditions can come together juuuust right and produce a new little person. And, experiencing all of this again makes me somewhat "mad at the universe" all over again, since Caitlyn died. But, I continue to remind myself of that reality, that I have accepted that reality, and now my options revolve around how I handle this new phase.

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (1) | Permalink

MY GOODNESS, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME...

Dec 30, 2007 01:47pm (EST)

Caitlyn's second birthday and anniversary of her death came and went this fall...It was...different...than last year, certainly. It didn't hurt any less, it was just different...Easier, in many ways, I suppose, because I have learned to deal with the grief and missing my daughter as part of my daily life. Difficult, in other ways, to realize that so much time has passed since I last saw her beautiful face and held her in my arms.

For so long, I was nearly obsessed with all things preemie and neonatal death and grief and...I needed every bit of information I could get my hands on...I needed to talk to every other mom who "understood." As I learned to incorporate my grief into my life, I suppose that need faded, because I can now see that I feel more...well-rounded (although that's not a good descriptor, no other comes to mind). I think of Caitlyn so often and I miss her terribly, but I am able to function once again, although even that is very different than before experiencing this loss. I am not the same person as before knowing her, and that has created various difficulties, from changes in my marriage to my spiritual beliefs. Nonetheless, I am grateful for the changes because I know that Caitlyn's love is the reason.

So, now, two years later, my husband and I have found the strength to try to have another baby (Caitlyn was our first). Our initial attempt at facing that fear ended with me losing twins...pretty crushing, to say the least. Then by some incredible timing, and I have to believe that my Bean had some part in this, I found myself pregnant just after her birthday AND we were blessed with our adopted little boy who joined our family just days after we remembered her death anniversary.

I feel as if I have run the full gamut of possible human emotions these past two years. I can't imagine anything worse than what we have experienced by watching our daughter die. Even now, as we are blessed with our son and this pregnancy, I can't help but feel cheated by everything we have missed with our daughter. The sadness and anger has resurfaced, to some degree, but it is mitigated by hope.

Now the real challenge is facing the incredible fear of a pregnancy after losing Caitlyn. I don't think I would ever "feel ready" to face this, but we were able to find the strength when we realized that our every waking moment was not consumed by the sadness and grief of losing our Bean. Yet, as I expected, the fear is mounting as my pregnancy progresses...For so long, I didn't particularly feel the need to be surrounded by every possible resource; I felt strong enough to survive in my "new normal." But, today, I find a great deal of comfort logging on to be with families who "get it."

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (3) | Permalink

CAITLYN'S FRIENDS

Mar 19, 2007 01:10am (EST)

Name Judy M Smith
From VA, USA
Time 12/24/2006 9:26:47 AM
Comments:
Although we have never met, your precious daughter has touched my life. I too lost a beautiful boy in Aug of 1995 and I hope and pray that Joshua and Caitlyn can play and laugh together. They say there is nothing sweeter than the songs of baby angels together and in my heart I know it is true. I wish your family peace in the new year.

Name Alicia Weiman
From Illinois
Time 12/17/2006 6:56:06 PM
Comments:
Just wanted to say Merry Christmas to your little angel Caitlyn! I think of you and your family very often. Take care of your Mommy and Daddy....they are wonderful people! Love, Alicia

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (2) | Permalink

CAITLYN'S FRIENDS

Oct 14, 2006 04:32pm (EST)

Name Sara
From Virginia, USA
Time 9/18/2006 1:28:58 PM
Comments:
I know that Caitlyn is one of the prettiest angels in Heaven. I wish you strength as you pass this milestone so many miles away. I wish you hope that the future can provide happiness. I wish you peace to enjoy each day as it comes. All my best wishes, Sara

Name Doug
From Va/USA
Time 9/18/2006 7:56:29 AM
Comments:
May the beauty of your memories continue to warm all of our hearts. You are very special and your parents are very special. Watch over them as you enjoy your special day.

Name Jade
From Georgia
Time 9/15/2006 11:20:49 PM
Comments:
We love you so much, Caitlyn. You'll never know how deeply you touched my heart, and I know one day our paths will meet again. Until that day, please keep an eye on us - be our angel and our guiding light in this dark world. I thank God I was able to hold you, and be able to touch your face. I love you very much and I keep you in my hear always.

Name Michelle
From Virginia
Time 9/15/2006 7:31:31 PM
Comments:
I hope that you know how special you are and how many lives you have touched.

Name Bettie Kennedy
From MD
Time 9/15/2006 3:07:22 PM
Comments:
God Bless you.

Name Karoline Hurd
From Arlington, VA
Time 9/15/2006 11:56:50 AM
Comments:
Happy birthday, Caitlyn. I am thinking of you today . . . your mommy and daddy are very special to me, so please watch over them. You touched so many lives!

Name Melissa Tony
From Virginia, USA
Time 9/15/2006 10:04:15 AM
Comments:
Happy Birthday in Heaven precious one! I am sure the angles are taking very good care of you. May God be with your family during this time.

Name Hart Nelson
From Prague
Time 9/15/2006 10:02:51 AM
Comments:
Daddies are supposed to be able to spoil their little girls with gifts, but I can't do that this year honey. All I can give you is my love, thoughts and prayers that you are happy where you are. Mommy made you a birthday cake, and I pray with all my might that you will be watching over us today. Tell your great grandparents, aunts and uncle that they need to spoil you for us. We miss you so much. Love, Daddy

Name Liza Cooper
From NYC
Time 9/15/2006 9:30:41 AM
Comments:
Dear Valerie, I know this would have been Caitlyn's first birthday and that you miss her so. I am sending warmth to you, your husband and to your baby girl. I hope that my mother can meet your little Bean in the stars and she can teach her to paint and draw! I hope you are doing okay in Prague...I know it cannot be easy, especially since you wanted to be there with Caitlyn. I am sending care and hope for beautiful joys to come for you. Warmly, Liza Cooper Director, March of Dimes NICU Family Support

Name Melanie~Aidan Lee's mommy
From Minnesota
Time 9/15/2006 8:01:32 AM
Comments:
Happy 1st birthday in Heaven, Caitlyn !!! May you surround your mother and father with your peace and love today. I'm sure the celebration in Heaven will be grand and that all your little angel friends and angel family will be singing Happy Birthday loud enough for us to hear it on earth! We celebrate your life, we celebrate you~ precious sweet girl. Happy Birthday!

Name Christina Lloyd
From DC
Time 9/15/2006 7:15:22 AM
Comments:
Happy Birthday Bean. You have touched so many. Have an extra special day today!!!!

Name Nicole Vagnerini
From Virginia, USA
Time 9/15/2006 7:07:47 AM
Comments:
Happy Birthday dear sweet Bean. We miss you incredibly, but know you still live in all of us. My thoughts and prayers are of you Valerie and Hart. We miss you both!

Name Rob Davis
From Arlington, VA
Time 9/15/2006 6:56:33 AM
Comments:
Hi there sweetie, My warmest wishes to you on your birthday...we miss you terribly, but I know you are looking out for all of us. We love you! Rob

Name Kelly (We Remember)
From Ontario, Canada
Time 9/14/2006 11:20:40 PM
Comments:
Happy Birthday sweet bean. May you frolic in heaven above with all our angels, today is your day! Valerie - wishing you comfort and strength today and always. ~ A moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts ~ Liam and Vanessa's mom

Name Shannon Gilbert
From Maryland
Time 9/14/2006 4:03:48 PM
Comments:
Happy Birthday, Caitlyn. I think and pray for you, your Mom and Dad often. Please watch over them and give them strength tomorrow. For such a little angel, you have touched so many lives. I know God will throw you one great party.

Name Tina Solomita
From Arlington, VA
Time 9/14/2006 10:00:06 AM
Comments:
Valerie & Hart, we are always here for you and have your family in our thoughts and prayers. Caitlyn's spirit is so special and will continue to touch so many hearts. Caitlyn's lily plant has a new bloom and it's beautiful, just like Caitlyn...

Name Debi James
From Virginia/USA
Time 9/14/2006 8:35:43 AM
Comments:
Sweetheart, ask God if you can take a short break and give Mommy a kiss on the cheek - she misses you so much.

Name Dona Dei
From Washington DC
Time 9/14/2006 7:51:03 AM
Comments:
Happy Birthday, Baby Girl. With love from the March of Dimes

Name Liza Cooper
From NY
Time 4/3/2006 11:02:00 AM
Comments:
Valerie, I am so fortunate to have met you. What a beloved mother you are and what a beloved daughter is Caitlyn. I wish she could be here still in your arms. I do know that you carry her in the cradle of your warm, wonderful heart every day. And each of us who has read Bean's story, carries her too. With Deepest Care, Liza Cooper, Director, March of Dimes NICU Family Support

Name Brandi
From North Carolina
Time 3/22/2006 5:27:33 PM
Comments:
I am very sorry for loss. Your tribute to "the bean" moves me and gives me strength. She was a beautiful baby girl!

Name Sue Brendel
From wa
Time 2/27/2006 6:03:23 PM
Comments:
Valerie, Your daughter is beautiful. I just posted to your post on the MOD website and wanted to come hear more about Caitlyn. It is amazing who perfect they look. If you ever want to chat more I'm around. My MOD story and blog are both called Kate's gifts. I look forward to reading your blog. Sincerely, Sue

Name Mark Tervakoski
From Baghdad
Time 1/16/2006 3:28:11 AM
Comments:
Hart & Val, Thank you for sharing Caitlyn with me and the world on this website. I hope the new year brings you strength and blessings in the loving memory of the Bean.

Name Julie scollard
From chicago IL
Time 1/12/2006 11:18:57 PM
Comments:
I am alyssa scollard's mom and I am so sorry for your loss.. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayer's.. Your web page is a great way to share her memory.. God Bless you and your family..

Name crystal sullivan
From usa,delaware
Time 12/29/2005 6:14:35 PM
Comments:
hi i'm elijah sullivan's mommy. i am so very sorry for your loss you and your family are in my prayers. ((hugs))

Name Kayla
From Missouri
Time 12/15/2005 10:22:55 PM
Comments:
Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us. This is a beautiful tribute to her.

Name Heidi
From Minnesota
Time 12/7/2005 3:53:44 PM
Comments:
Thank you very much for sharing your gift that you received. You have a beautiful page dedicated to your even more beautiful daughter. You are so wonderful to let each of us share a small memory of her!! God Bless your family!

Name Theresa DiFonzo
From Maryland
Time 12/1/2005 9:29:01 PM
Comments:
Thank you for sharing your precious little angel. May her strength get you both through this rough time. Love, t.

Name Joyce (aptr)
From Ontario, Canada
Time 11/25/2005 7:21:38 PM
Comments:
Caitlyn.. what a sweet, beautiful baby. I am so sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing her story. This is a wonderful tribute to your daughter and the love you will always have for her

Name Marissa Geist
From California
Time 11/23/2005 4:19:59 PM
Comments:
Hello, I am sorry for you loss. I came across your web site accidentally, and I must say it has touched me deeply! I am just graduating nursing school and just finished my rotation in the newborn nursery. It was an amazing expierience to see new parents and their reacton to this little new person. I do not have children of my own yet; however I have great empathy for you and I will continue to pray for you. Your story has inspired me in the beginning of my nursing career.

Name Janie APTR
From New York
Time 11/9/2005 4:33:46 PM
Comments:
I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Caitlyn. Thank you for sharing her with us.

Name Shannon Gilbert
From Arlington, VA
Time 11/8/2005 3:05:12 AM
Comments:
Valerie and Hart, our thoughts and prayers are with you and Caitlyn. Please know that we are here for you.

Name Nick Whiteside
From O'Fallon, IL
Time 11/7/2005 7:44:27 AM
Comments:
Valerie and Hart, the story of your little "Bean", and the magnitude of the love you have outpoured in your written words of how deeply your daughter touched your lives stirs our souls. I am saddened by your great loss, but also encouraged by your even greater faith that God called Bean home to heaven way before you thought you would have to let her go. May God richly bless your lives and one day restore your joy with the blessing of children, who indeed will make your lives rich.

Name Cory Rush
From Pennsylvania
Time 11/3/2005 4:41:23 PM
Comments:
Sometimes great blessings come in small packages. Though her stay with us was far too short, her impact will be long lasting. Hold her memory dear and know that she is waiting for you to join her at God's side in Heaven.

Name the gunsolly family
From arizona
Time 11/2/2005 1:47:12 PM
Comments:
im so sorry for your lost. what a nice website you have. may god bless your heart. rest in peace.

Name Jan Cunningham
From MD
Time 10/31/2005 9:00:17 AM
Comments:
My thoughts and prayers are with you both. Jan

Name Stephanie Suarez
From Texas
Time 10/29/2005 9:56:42 PM
Comments:
I'm so sorry for your loss, your baby girl is beautiful! I too have also lost a child..here is his website if you'd like to visit--http://www.babiesonline.com/b/babyjuaniv Lots of hugs and love!

Name Joanne
From ny
Time 10/21/2005 1:04:09 PM
Comments:
I want to tell you how sorry i am for your loss. i too have lost. my firt loss was at 21 weeks. and the second at 17 weeks. what a beautiful baby girl. and what a beautiful web page you made for her. no words can tell you how sorry i am. sleep with the angels beautiful caitlyn.

Name Margaret Moore
From MI
Time 10/18/2005 2:33:54 PM
Comments:
Dear Caitlyn, You are up in heaven with many babies to keep you company. My Baby Zack is up there with you and alot of your mommy and daddy's new found friends' babies r there with you also. Watch over your mommy and daddy and always send them butterfly kisses. Sending Love & Prayers from a New Friend.

Name Denise & David Miller
From Wisconsin
Time 10/18/2005 9:54:11 AM
Comments:
You meant so much to so many people. You will always be remembered and thought of as an angel.

Name Dean Fletcher
From California
Time 10/17/2005 5:12:33 PM
Comments:
Caitlyn may your soul rest in peace. The following is from “Butterfly Kisses” by Bob Carlisle and Randy Thomas “There's two things I know for sure. She was sent here from heaven, and she's daddy's little girl. As I drop to my knees by her bed at night, she talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes. And I thank God for all of the joy in my life” You touched so many lives, in so many ways you are truly an angel and we will always remember your fight and determination. Love Dean, Kelley, Abigail, and Caden

Name Ann & Tim Schmidt
From Columbia, MO
Time 10/17/2005 9:59:39 AM
Comments:
Caitlyn, We're very sorry and sad you had to leave us so soon in life. You were an inspiration to us with your strength.

Name Lynn Wogtech
From MO / St. Louis
Time 10/17/2005 7:30:05 AM
Comments:
To Caitlyn: What a very-loved baby angel you are! Hugs & kisses from me (and many).

Name Eileen Barnicle
From Chicago, IL
Time 10/17/2005 7:26:33 AM
Comments:
Tonight when you look up, don't think of them as stars. Think of them as your loved one watching over you. Thinkg of you and your family.

Name Paula and Brent Juelich
From Saint Louis, MO
Time 10/16/2005 9:05:34 PM
Comments:
Caitlyn, We have been praying for you and for your parents during the short time you were here. We will continue to pray for you and for your mom and dad, that they may have the strength to get through this most difficult time. Watch over them always and let them know your presence. When I learned that you had left this earth and had gone to Heaven on that Friday, I was at one of the hospitals I work at - St. Joseph's Health Center in St. Charles, MO. At the exact moment that I had learned of your passing, the music that was playing in the hallway over the intercom system was Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven..."cause you know...there will be no more....tears in heaven." You have touched countless people who never met you and many more who loved you and will always love you, little one. God bless you and your mom and dad.

Name Barbara Nyman
From Virginia
Time 10/16/2005 5:01:18 PM
Comments:
You were very precious and have had the prayers of many, many people who never met you.

Name Donnie Greenlee
From Missouri
Time 10/16/2005 4:54:55 PM
Comments:
Thinking of all of you! Love ya guys!

Name Kenneth and Emily Behrle
From Saint Louis
Time 10/15/2005 8:26:42 PM
Comments:
We heard of you from our friends, the Juelich's, and we prayed for you. God Bless you Caitlyn, now it's your turn to pray for all of us.

Name Paul Brown Sr and Joann
From Florida
Time 10/15/2005 1:49:44 PM
Comments:
Caitlyn may God rest your soul you little Angel. You will always be in our thoughts and prayers.

Name Jeremy Baran
From Saint Louis, MO
Time 10/15/2005 1:16:22 PM
Comments:
Caitlyn, I knew your parents well and I know how excited they were to have you in their lives. I know you are in a much better place, and that everything happens for a reason, even though we might not know what that reason is / was. You were able to unite friends and family and have opened our eyes to what love is. Look over your Mommy and Daddy. JRB

Name Bruce and Joan Brown
From Florida
Time 10/15/2005 10:38:03 AM
Comments:
Caitlyn, you will be remembered by a lot of people who you will never know. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

Name Mommy
From DC
Time 10/15/2005 4:31:39 AM
Comments:
My sweet Baby Bean, I miss you so very much. I love you more than I ever thought was possible, and I want so desperately to hold you again. You'll always be my only Bean and my perfect, beautiful daughter. Watch over me and Daddy, please, our Angel. I love you, sweetheart.

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (1) | Permalink

*LULLABYE, BY BILLY JOEL*

Oct 14, 2006 04:30pm (EST)

Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be

We love you Caitlyn Greenleigh and we know that you are happy where you are now. We will see you again soon.

Posted by Valerie Nelson | Comments: (0) | Permalink

FINALLY...

Oct 14, 2006 04:05pm (EST)

I am finally moving all of The Bean's website to SHARE. I have been procrastinating on this for so long, and I don't know why. I add to her site every month, on her birthdays and anniversaries, but I haven't been able to bring myself to essentially re-write those words, until now.

The story of Caitlyn Greenleigh's precious life is stored in the Archives folder.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, October 14, 2005
A NATIVE AMERICAN PRAYER

I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle Autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still in each new dawn.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005
POEM FROM CAITLYN'S MEMORIAL SERVICE

Now don't you be fretting over this little mound of clay.
Your Dear Heavenly Father just loaned her to you for a few days.
Right under mama's heart she went with you, a part of both of you.
God called her home and this broke your hearts.
But don't worry, God will do His part.
She now can run and play, and if you ask God, you can go and watch her there someday.
And for now, you can say 'Thank You, God' for making a way for all of you to be together someday.
She is in God's arms and that is a safe place to be.
And His arms are also big enough for you and me.

Friday, October 21, 2005
POEM

The funeral home sent us a couple of bookmarks they made. Caitlyn's memorial notice is on the back, and this poem is on the front...

A butterfly
Perched on my cheek,
Brought hope
That it would stay.
But with a gentle
Breathless kiss,
Too soon
It flew away.

Baby Bean, you definitely left us too soon. I miss you very much, sweetheart. But, I am so incredibly happy to have met you, my perfect daughter. Thank you for making me a Mommy. I love you!

Friday, October 28, 2005
Poem

The world may never notice
If a rosebud doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms
Or ever comes to be
Touches the world
In some small way for all eternity.

The Little One we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do...
Every beating of our heart says
We Will Remember You.

My precious baby Bean, I will always remember you and always love you. I miss you so much and am so sad without you in my arms. You gave me a gift that I never imagined was possible, because I have never known such happiness as having you as my daughter.

I love you Bean,
Mommy

Monday, November 07, 2005
Happy Angel Day, my sweet Bean. It's been one month today since you went to Heaven. I hope you've found all of the best places to play. I miss you so very much, Caitlyn.

Love always and forever,
Mommy

Thursday, November 10, 2005
POEM

Author Unknown

We are connected my child and I,
By an invisible cord not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord that connects us 'til birth;
This cord can't be seen by any on Earth.

This cord does it's work right from the start.
It binds us together, attached to my heart.

I know that it's there though no one can see -
The invisible cord from my child to me.

The strength of this cord is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord man could create.
It withstands the test, can hold any weight.

And though you are gone, though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there, but no one can see.

It pulls at my heart. I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline as never before.

I am thankful that God connects us this way.
A mother and child...death can't take it away!

Baby Bean, I thought this was a pretty poem and explains just a little bit of how I feel about you. I love you so very, very much!

Saturday, November 12, 2005
A Memorial Prayer

I haven't forgotten you, even though it's been some time now since I've seen your face, touched your hand, heard your voice. You are with me all the time.

I used to think you left me. I know better now. You come to me. Sometimes in fleeting moments I feel your presence close by. But I still miss you. And nothing, no person, no joy, no accomplishment, no distraction, not even God, can fill the gaping hole your absence has left in my life.

But mixed together with all my sadness, there is a great joy for having known you. I want to thank you for the time we shared, for the love you gave, for the wisdom you spread.

Thank you for the magnificent moments and for the ordinary ones, too. There was beauty in our simplicity. Holiness in our unspectacular days. And I will carry the lessons you taught me always.

Your life has ended, but your light can never be extinguished. It continues to shine upon me even on the darkest nights and illuminates my way.

I light this candle in your honor and in your memory. May God bless you as you have blessed me with love, with grace, and with peace.

Amen

My pretty baby Bean, your great-uncle Bryce sent this poem to me and Daddy. And I think it says just what I've been writing to you in your journal and telling you since you came to us...You have taught me something that no one else ever could, and I am such a better person now for having you in my life. I miss you so incredibly much, I can't tell you enough. I didn't have even one ordinary minute with you, Bean; I know what a miracle you are. You will always be my baby girl, my Bean, my daughter. I love you, sweetheart, and I need you now more than ever.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Happy Birthday, my sweet baby Caitlyn Greenleigh!

I miss you terribly, Bean. I wish that I could find the words to tell you how very much I love you and how much you changed my life; but words just can't describe it. I hope you like the luminaries tonight. I've written you name on the pink ones, just for you. This day is dedicated to you, precious girl. I will love you forever and ever, Bean.

Love,
Mommy

Thursday, November 24, 2005
Happy Thanksgiving, Caitlyn Greenleigh!

Today, I have so very much to be thankful for...YOU! Even though my heart aches because I miss you so much, I wouldn't trade anything for knowing you. I hope you had a good day in Heaven, Bean. I love you, my perfect baby girl.

Love always,
Mommy

Wednesday, December 07, 2005
An Angel's Face

In a brief length of time,
In an ordinary place,
I was blessed with the sight
Of an Angel's face.

She was truly sent to me
From God up above,
To hold, to teach,
To give her my love.

The days and the nights
Were all sweet and dear,
And I'll always thank God
For sending her here.

Now she's gone from this earth,
This ordinary place,
But one day I'll again see
That Angel's face.

Happy 2 Month Heaven Day, Bean. It's not very happy here where we are, but it's because Daddy and I miss you so very much. I do believe that you are watching over us, though, sweetheart. I love you, my baby Bean!

Thursday, December 15, 2005
Happy Birthday, my baby Bean!

It's been 3 months since you came into this world to bless Daddy and me. I still can't believe that you made me a Mommy. My life has changed *so* much since you were born. I miss you, Caitlyn Greenleigh. I think about you every single day, and I'm trying to do things that will make a difference for others, because you made *such* a difference while you were here...and you continue to, sweetheart. Know that I'm wrapping you in my love, Bean, until I can wrap my arms around you again.

I love you, Bean,
Mommy

Sunday, December 18, 2005
It's December 18th, Bean...Your due date. I know we missed out on you getting so very big in my belly, but you should at least be coming home from the NICU now. Instead, my heart is broken into a million pieces, and there's an unbearable silence in the house. I know that you're still with me, watching over me and Daddy. Sometimes, I swear I can feel you kiss my cheek. But, that can't make the aching in my empty arms go away. I promise you that you will always be our baby girl, our Bean, our oldest daughter; I promise you that I will do everything I can to remember and honor your strength and beauty; I promise you that I will *always* love you and hold you in my heart. Until I can hold you in my arms again, my sweet Bean...I love you.

Sunday, December 25, 2005
CHRISTMAS POEM

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear;
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.
I cannot tell you of the splendor or the peace inside this place.
Can you imagine Christmas with our Savior, face to face?

I will ask him to light your spirit as I tell him of your love.
So then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Merry Christmas, Bean. It's very hard to be merry here, without you in my arms. We should be snuggling up with you, dressed so cute in a Christmas outfit, looking forward to the new year. But I have to trust that I will hold you again, Bean. Until then, I'll hold you tightly in my heart. No words can truly explain the immense love that you taught me, but I trust that you know my heart. I miss you so much, my love.

Love always,
Mommy

Sunday, January 01, 2006
It's a new year, Bean. I wish that you were here with me to begin it. This was supposed to be such a great year for us. You are in my heart, my love, and always will be. I intend to use this new year to make a difference, in your honor, and to make you proud. I love you, my baby Bean.

Saturday, January 07, 2006
LULLABIES
-Author Unknown

Daddy please don't look so sad, Mommy please don't cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
Please don't try to question God, don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you and that He changed His mind.
You see, I am special and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special child you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you,
So watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light.
So Daddy please don't look so sad.
Mommy please don't cry.
I am in the arms of Jesus,
And He sings me lullabies.

It's been 3 months today, my love, since you became my angel. It seems so long ago, now, since you were growing in my belly, since I spent every day with you, since I changed your tiny little diaper. You should be long-gone from the NICU by now, and home with us. Instead I'm sending you hugs and kisses with my heart alone. I know you're safe and happy, Bean, but I miss you in my arms terribly.

I love you, sweetheart,
Mommy

Sunday, January 15, 2006
Too beautiful for Earth

If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back;
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears,
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
And happy memories too.

I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

An angel In The Book of Life
Wrote down my baby's birth
And whispered as She closed The Book
"Too beautiful for Earth"

Happy 4 month birthday, my love. It is a bright, sunny day here on Earth, just for your birthday...Or, perhaps, it is you who is making the sun shine so brightly today. I imagine it is magnificant in Heaven.

I told you all the time, Caitlyn, how beautiful you were, and that you were absolutely *perfect*. I am trying so hard to be someone that will make you proud, Bean. My heart aches for you, Bean; I miss you so very much. Look down here tonight and see your angel candle burning bright.

I love you forever and ever. Until I hold you again,
Mommy

Tuesday, February 07, 2006
My love,

It's been four months already, my sweet. I think about you every minute; my heart aches for you. I feel you with me, but I wish you were in my arms. You are more precious to me than I could ever, ever explain. Please keep watch over Daddy and me. You are so very special, Bean. I miss you so much, but I love you more.

Love ALWAYS,
Mommy

Wednesday, February 15, 2006
WITH HOPE
By Steven Curtis Chapman

This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you are gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no
And we can grieve with hope
Cause we believe with hope

There's a place by God's grace
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
Cause now you're home
And now you're free and
We have this hope as an anchor
Cause we believe that everything
God promised us is true so
We wait with hope
We ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope

Happy birthday, baby Bean. I miss you, sweetheart. I certainly haven't 'let go' of you, but I suppose that I am beginning to find some hope. I know that I'll hold you so tightly in my arms someday; and in the meantime, I hold you ever so tightly in my heart. You are my inspiration and courage, Caitlyn. You are my amazing baby girl.

I love you, Bean,
Mommy

Tuesday, March 07, 2006
"Life is short, but it feels so long for those of us who are left to live without someone we love."

My Love,

It has been a long five months. I miss you every single moment. If only I could hold you in my arms again. Look down on us tonight, and see your Angel candle sending our love to you.

I love you more than everything, Bean.
Mommy

Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, my sweet Bean,
Happy Birthday to you!

Wow, you're a whole 6 months old, sweetheart. I can't believe it's been that long. I can vividly remember the morning you were born and how long of a day it was until I could see you. How incredibly happy you made Daddy and me, Caitlyn...Our hearts felt like they would explode with the love you taught us. And, you continue to teach us, my love. I couldn't have a more beautiful or absolutely perfect daughter. I love you with all of my being. Stay close to me, my love, as I hold you in my heart.

I Love You Forever and Always,
Mommy

Friday, April 07, 2006
What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
Albert Pike

My love,

Time has a different meaning these days. I can't believe it's been six months since you left us...were taken from us. I miss you so much; I know I tell you that often, but it's so true. You are my inspiration, though, my strength and courage. You have made such an incredible impact on me, Bean, and you continue to touch the world by your amazing beauty and purity.

I LOVE YOU,
Mommy

Saturday, April 15, 2006
Happy Birthday, My love.

It was a beautiful day, here on Earth. I imagined that we would have spent the day playing outside or at the park. I miss you, here in my arms, but I know you are in my heart. Your Angel candle is burning brightly. I miss you, sweetheart.

I love you so very much, Bean.

Love always,
Mommy

Wednesday, June 07, 2006
POEM

~ Edgar Allen Poe

We only part to meet again
Though mighty boundless waves may sever
Remembrance oft shall bring thee near
And I will with thee go forever
And oft at midnights silent hour
When brilliant planets shall guide the ocean
Thy name shall rise to heaven’s highest star
And mingle with my soul’s devotion

My Angel,
Eight months have passed since I've seen your face. The pain of not having you in my arms is no less, but rather different. Please watch over us tonight and send your Angel kisses. I miss you terribly, Bean, but I love you more.

Love always,
Mommy

Thursday, June 15, 2006
Happy Birthday, my Angel. I miss you so much, Caitlyn. I love you always and forever.

Sweet dreams, my love.

Love,
Mommy

Thursday, June 15, 2006
FROM YOUR DADDY

Caty Bean,

9 months. That amount of time is important to a Daddy (and a Mommy too). It's the amount of time that you were supposed to be in Mommy's tummy, but you were just too impatient to see the world. It's how old you were supposed to be today. And instead all I can do is look at your pictures and read the poems and things your Mommy puts on your website. I miss you so much.

Sometimes I feel like I was a bad Daddy to you. It was so hard seeing you in the hospital every day, hooked up to all the machines and fighting just to breathe. Sometimes you looked peaceful and I could imagine you were dreaming of being in Mommy's tummy or turning in circles and kicking her like you did so much. But sometimes you looked so scared because you didn't know what was happening. And I couldn't do anything to help you. Daddies don't like to feel helpless--we want to be able to keep our little girls be safe and I wasn't able to do that, honey.

Sunday is Father's day. It never meant all that much in my family. Your grandpa Nelson never needed many gifts, and so we just cooked his favorite breakfast and let him read his books that he loves so much. But I was looking foward to starting our own Father's day traditions together. I wanted to spend time with my baby girl on my first Father's day. I know you will be with me on that day just like I know you are with me every day. But it just isn't the same as being able to hear you, to hold you.

Mommy is very good at writing to you. She has her journal. She has your website and all the people that she talks to who can help her understand why the world can be so bad sometimes. I know you would be very proud of your Mommy--she works very hard to help other babies who are born early like you were. She got accepted into a school here and I know that you will be with her when she graduates.

I don't write very much, sweetheart, but I hope that you can hear me when I talk to you. I know I ask you for advice and help a lot and I know that it is a lot to ask from someone so little. But I know that your great-grandparents and your aunts and uncles and all your friends in Heaven will help you keep me and Mommy as strong as we can be. We love you so much and we miss you every day. I'll dream about you soon.

Love,

Daddy

Friday, July 07, 2006
My Love,

It's another Angel Day, and I miss you so much. I'm thinking about you today, just like every other day...Wanting so desperately to hold you and never let go, this time. If only there were words to truly tell you how much I love you, sweet Bean.

I'm holding you so tightly in my heart tonight and every miniute of every day.

Until I can see you again, my Love...

Love you ALWAYS and FOREVER,
Mommy

Sunday, July 16, 2006
My love, my Angel,

Happy birthday! I miss you so much, Bean.

Love always,
Mommy

Monday, August 07, 2006
My Angel,

Bean, I miss you terribly. I'm sending you lots of hugs and kisses tonight, just like every other night. You are my love, my daughter, my Bean.

THE PROMIS OF ETERNITY
-Helen Steiner Rice

All who believe in God’s mercy and grace
will meet their loved ones face to face,
Where time is endless and joy unbroken,
and only the works of God’s love are spoken.

I love you more than I can ever say, my love. Sweet dreams, my Angel.

Love ALWAYS,
Mommy

Tuesday, August 15, 2006
My love,

Happy birthday, sweetheart. Eleven months...I can't believe it. And, I can't believe that next month will mark one year since you came into the world. You have been such a blessing to me, my love. You're in my heart, but I desperately want you in my arms.

Daddy found this poem for you, Bean.

POEM

For just a moment
I’m sure I saw
a flicker of light ahead.
Perhaps it was your smile.
Though past now, remembered,
in my heart
like the small sound of
a butterfly passing by.
No night
is so dark
that can not be brightened
with memories of you.
Raindrops carry along
your blessings from heaven
to wash away my tears
and bring me hope anew.

We love you more than words could ever say, Bean. And we miss you terribly. Try to catch the hugs and kisses we're sending to Heaven for you.

I love you always and forever,
Mommy

Friday, September 15, 2006
Happy 1st Birthday, Bean,

Poem
The Butterfly Lights Beside Us

The butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam
and for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world...
but then it flies on again, and although
we wish it could have stayed,
we are so thankful to have seen it at all.

My love, You would be such a big girl now. I wish so much that I could see you. I'm sure you are having a wonderful birthday in Heaven, but I miss you dearly. You are such an amazing person, Bean. You have touched so many lives and made the world better. Try to catch the kisses I'm sending to you, until I can kiss you on the cheek again.

I love you more than words can say.

Love always and forever,
Mommy

Saturday, October 07, 2006
POEM

If tears colud build a stairway
and memories a lane
I would walk right up to heaven
and bring you back again

No farewell words were spoken
No time to say "Goodbye"
You were gone before I knew it
and only God knows why

My heart still aches with sadness
and secrets tears still flow
What it meant to love you
No one can ever know

But now I know you want me
To mourn for you no more
To remember all the happy times
Life still has much in store

Since you'll never be forgotten
I pledge to you today
A hollowed place within my heart
Is where you'll always stay

My Angel, it's been a year since you left my arms. I don't know what to say, My Love...I love you dearly and miss you so very much. I feel like this poem should be appropriate today; although, I feel as if I will always mourn losing you, but I can now readily rejoice in the amazing gifts you gave me. Please send a special kiss down from Heaven tonight, Bean, and catch mine as it rises to you.

I love you with all of my soul, my Bean.
Mommy

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